idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
