ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
