my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
