I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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