She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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