My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
