So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
