i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
