Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
