I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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