I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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