I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
