Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
