Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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