One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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