I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
