The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
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