my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
