there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We don't watch enough power rangers
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.