This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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