God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?