Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
