my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
