Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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