What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
