Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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