Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
