god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
