wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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