just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
