If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
