Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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