Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
