So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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