You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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