somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
