When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
