i think my tv is drunk
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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