so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You may now shotgun with the bride
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
