I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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