Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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