a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
