One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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