You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
