I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dicks are not precious.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
