At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
