i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
