i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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