At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
