girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
