A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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