I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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