And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
