Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
