I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
