Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
