Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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