Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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