dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP