i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
false alarm, still single
Randomize
