Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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