dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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