Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
