I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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