there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
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I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
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You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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