I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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